This week's newsletter isn't really about forgiveness. It's about acceptance. And I personally think acceptance might be the more powerful of the two.

There's only one place that feels right to start this conversation, and that's a PhD program I was in about fifteen years ago…stay with me here.

The PhD program was in conflict analysis and resolution, and although I eventually left to pursue a second master's instead, some of the most valuable lessons I learned during that time had very little to do with what was in our textbooks.

One of the things that made the program so interesting was that before we could begin examining conflict in other people's lives, we had to examine it in our own. We were essentially the subjects of our own work, which meant taking an honest look at our relationships, the things we were still holding on to, and the ways we contributed to conflict ourselves…it’s no wonder I eventually tapped out.

Because when you start examining your own relationships, the things you're still angry about, the conversations you keep replaying in your head, and the people you believe owe you something, you eventually have to confront some pretty uncomfortable questions. Like…

What happens if you never get the apology you're waiting for?

What happens if the person who hurt you never acknowledges what they did, doesn't remember it the way you do, or genuinely believes they did nothing wrong?

Or what if they simply don't care?

That program taught me something about acceptance that I don't think I fully understood until years later.

I could move forward without an apology. I could accept that something happened without needing the other person to agree with my version of events.

And sometimes, I could even be the first person to apologize for my part in a situation, knowing full well that the other person might never apologize for theirs.

Which brings me to something I want to make very clear before we go any further.

Acceptance and forgiveness are not the same thing.

I know we talk a lot about forgiveness, and I understand why. But I also believe there are some things that people simply aren't ready or willing to forgive, and I'm not here to convince you that you should.

What I am interested in is what happens when we stop waiting for someone else to give us permission to move forward.

I would come to appreciate that lesson in my own life, particularly in my relationship with my daughter's father. It took nearly a decade for him to apologize for some of the things that happened between us, but by the time he did, I had already accepted that he might never say those words.

We have a very different relationship today, and he speaks to me with nothing but kindness, which I'm grateful for. But I also recognize that I could have spent those ten years waiting for him to acknowledge the past before allowing myself to move forward.

So many of us have someone in our lives whose apology we're still waiting for, whether we realize how much we're waiting for it or not. It could be a parent, a former spouse, a sibling, a friend, or someone who hurt us years ago.

And while we may have continued living our lives, there's still a part of us hoping that one day they'll finally understand what happened and acknowledge the role they played in it.

But what happens if they never do?

Sometimes, we just want someone to acknowledge what happened.

I believe one of the reasons we hold on to the hope of an apology is because we want confirmation that our experience mattered. We want the person who hurt us to acknowledge what happened, understand how it affected us, and take some responsibility for their actions.

And depending on the circumstances, we may have spent years wondering whether they even recognize the pain they caused.

There's something meaningful about hearing someone say they were wrong, especially when you've spent a long time questioning your own experience. An apology can validate feelings that have gone unacknowledged, create an opportunity for reconciliation, and sometimes make it possible to rebuild a relationship that has been damaged.

But I've also learned that receiving an apology doesn't necessarily bring the resolution we imagined it would.

Sometimes the words finally come, and while we're grateful to hear them, we realize there's still a lot of internal work left to do. Sure, the apology may acknowledge what happened, but it can’t change the experience itself or give us back the time we spent living with its consequences.

In fact, we may still have questions, feelings, or decisions that the other person simply cannot resolve for us.

And this is where it becomes important to consider what we're actually hoping an apology will give us. Because sometimes we're waiting for the words themselves, and other times we're waiting for what we believe those words will finally allow us to feel or heal.

We believe that once we hear them, we'll finally be able to stop being angry, or that we'll feel differently about ourselves.

But what if the apology comes and none of those things happen?

That's why we have to be careful about making our peace dependent on someone else's willingness or ability to give us what we're asking for.

How much of your life are you willing to spend waiting?

A few weeks ago a client and I talked about her relationship with her mother and some painful experiences from her childhood. For years, she'd been angry with her mother for not protecting her from the verbal abuse happening in their home.

But as we talked, she began to consider something she hadn't fully recognized before. Her mother had also been a victim of abuse.

That realization didn't change what happened to my client or erase her mother's responsibility to protect her. But it did help her consider that her mother may have been doing the best she could while trying to survive a difficult situation herself.

Her parents have now been married for sixty years, and her mother, who is in her eighties, is beginning to experience dementia. After spending decades hoping her mother would acknowledge what happened, my client is facing the possibility that she may never have that conversation.

So I asked her to consider what her relationship with her mother could look like now. Could she recognize what they had both experienced while accepting that her mother may never be able to give her the apology she's been waiting for?

I don't know what she'll decide, but I do know that she deserves to enjoy the life she has now, regardless of whether that apology ever comes.

And this applies to many of us. We spend years waiting for people to admit they were wrong or understand how much they hurt us. We replay conversations, imagine what we'd say if we had another chance, and hold on to the hope that one day things will be different.

Meanwhile, life keeps moving.

People get older, relationships change, and sometimes the opportunity to have the conversation we've been waiting for disappears altogether.

At some point, we have to ask ourselves how much longer we're willing to wait for something that may never happen.

Because while we're hoping someone else will finally make things right, there's an entire life in front of us that deserves our attention, too.

You can accept what happened without deciding that it was okay.

We often talk about forgiveness as though it's something we should all work toward, and while I believe forgiveness can be a beautiful thing, I also recognize that some people have experienced things they simply aren't ready or willing to forgive.

And I believe that's a decision each person has to make for themselves.

Acceptance, on the other hand, is about being honest with ourselves about what happened, even when we wish things had been different. It means recognizing that we cannot go back and change someone's decisions, undo an experience, or make another person understand something they may never understand.

For example, I can accept that someone hurt me and still decide I don't want a relationship with them. I can accept that my parents did the best they knew how to do and still recognize that there were things I needed from them that I didn't receive.

And I can accept that someone may never apologize without deciding that what they did was okay.

I think sometimes we struggle with acceptance because it feels like we're letting the other person off the hook. We worry that if we stop asking them to acknowledge what happened, we're somehow saying it didn't matter. But that's not how I see it.

For me, acceptance means being willing to deal with things as they are, rather than continuing to wish they were different. And once we begin doing that, we can start making decisions about what we want our lives to look like moving forward.

Because the truth is, two people can experience the same situation very differently. They can remember the same conversation differently and have completely different ideas about who was right or wrong. And while we can spend years trying to get someone to see things from our perspective, sometimes they simply won't.

And we still have a life to live.

What becomes possible when you stop waiting?

Toward the end of my conversation with my client, I asked her to think about what her relationship with her mother could look like if she stopped waiting for an apology and started making decisions based on the relationship they have today.

Maybe that means deciding how she wants to spend the years they have left together. Maybe it means setting boundaries, changing her expectations, or continuing to work through her childhood experiences while finding a different way to have a relationship with her mother. Whatever she decides, I want her to make those decisions based on what she needs now, rather than what she wishes had happened years ago.

And I want the same for you.

Because we spend so much time thinking about what someone else should have done that we forget to ask ourselves what we want to do next.

Have you been waiting for an ex to admit they were wrong, or hoping a parent will finally become the person you needed them to be. Maybe there's a friendship that ended badly, and you've spent years wishing you could have one more conversation to clear things up.

Whatever the situation, I want you to consider what your life could look like if you accepted that things may never be resolved the way you hoped.

Would you make a different decision about the relationship? Would you stop having the same conversation in your head? Would you finally give yourself permission to enjoy your life without feeling like something is still unfinished?

That's where acceptance gives us something valuable. It allows us to stop waiting for someone else to change before we begin making changes of our own.

And while we may never get the apology we wanted, we can still build a life that feels good to us.

This week, I want to invite you to think about a relationship or experience where you may still be waiting for someone else to acknowledge what happened.

Ask yourself: What am I hoping this person will finally say or understand? And what do I believe will change for me if they do?

Do this: Write down the apology you've been waiting to hear, including the things you wish the other person understood about your experience. Then read what you've written and consider what you might need in order to begin moving forward, whether that apology ever comes or not.

Whatever comes up, give yourself the opportunity to consider what is within your control today.

Let Go of How It Should Have Been

So much of what we hold on to comes from the difference between what happened and what we wish had happened instead. This week's audio reflection is an invitation to spend a few quiet minutes making peace with that difference and considering what becomes possible when you begin accepting things as they are.

Take five minutes for yourself, press play, and settle in.

One of the things I appreciate about getting older is that I've become more comfortable accepting that some things in life simply won't turn out the way I hoped. There are relationships that will never become what I imagined, conversations I'll probably never have, and people who may never understand how their actions affected me.

And while I haven't always been happy about those realities, I've learned that I can accept them and still have a beautiful life.

I'm grateful that I didn't spend ten years waiting for my daughter's father to apologize before allowing myself to move forward. There was so much life to live during that time, and I would have missed out on a lot of it if I'd made my happiness dependent on that one conversation.

So if there's an apology you're still waiting for, I hope you'll consider what acceptance might make possible for you. You can still wish things had been different, and you can still decide what kind of relationship you want with that person moving forward.

But whatever you decide, I hope you won't put the rest of your life on hold waiting for someone else to make things right.

Until next week,

Donteacia 💛

P.S. I’m still working out the timing on the weekly audio reflections, but I will get better as I go.

P.P.S. You can actually leave comments on the website version of this newsletter. Just click on “read online” at the top of the email.